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This is a blog post from my TSARINA blog tour. It originally appeared on Birth Of A New Witch.

There’s a scene in TSARINA where Natalya sort of accidentally calls a wild Russian elk to her using the powers she’s inherited via the Romanov family’s magical Faberge egg. Sadly, I do not actually own a magical Faberge egg, and I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that you don’t either. So, here are some ways to call an elk to you if you don’t have Faberge egg powers.

1. Use the Primos Hoochie Mama Cow Elk Call

This is a real item. I am not entirely sure why it is a Hoochie Mama Cow Elk Call, but I think it’s important that you’re prepared for the possibility that the female elk may arrive in short shorts and a crop top.
Oh, wait— I’m sorry. This call is apparently to attract male elk, so perhaps it is you, dear elk seeker, who will need to be wearing the short shorts, since you certainly don’t want to let the male elk down, especially since he could have come from “as far as 400 yards away.”
Additionally, this call works by sounding like a female elk in estrus, and/or seeking her lost calf. I’m not going to lie— I question the authenticity of a male elk who comes running looking for sexytimes upon hearing a mother calf crying for her lost child. That doesn’t seem like the sort of male elk you should be attracting. You’re better than that, elk seeker.

2. Molasses + Rock Salt

A website I found suggests leaving these strewn about— that the two together are an “elk sundae.” Another site suggests stewing marshmallows about. I’d like to suggest combining the two into the Ultimate Elk Sundae. I’d also like to suggest you putting them on the lawn of Megan Furr, my arch-nemises from middle school. I don’t have her current address, but I’ll look it up while you go pick up the molasses.
This is going to be a lot of fun, guys.

3. Find some elk urine and roll in it

This is a suggestion from an elk hunting board. To quote, “I never pass by a fresh urine mark without rubbing a little on me.” I want to make sure you all understand that this means, right now, there is likely a man walking around a forest, looking for some pee to roll in.
(I understand that this is a valid and ancient hunting technique, but I hope you hunters can also understand that it is disgusting.)
You can also buy bottles of elk pee or wafers of elk pee, and they will ship them right to your door the exact same way you receive packages and Christmas presents. These bottles are, like the Hoochie Mama Cow Elk Call, “sexual attractants”, though one bottle is also labeled ELK FIRE, which I would think would send mixed messages to the male elk. Anyway, you can order it for $7.97, and I now have another idea for when I figure out Megan Furr’s current address.

Mirrored from JacksonPearce.com.


( Comment )
martianmooncrab wrote:
Feb. 27th, 2014 08:14 pm (UTC)
though one bottle is also labeled ELK FIRE,

which leads me to think that this elk had already responded to the call of the wilde and now needs to seek help at a free clinic.
( Comment )

Oh, hi!

My name is Jackson Pearce-- I'm the author of retold fairytales (SISTERS RED, SWEETLY, FATHOMLESS, COLD SPELL), funny contemporary stories (PURITY), tales of wishes come true (AS YOU WISH), and middle grade adventures (THE DOUBLECROSS, coming July 2015, and PIP BARTLETT'S GUIDE TO MAGICAL CREATURES, coming May 2015).

This is NOT my main blog page-- this is a syndicated livejournal account. Please check out my main blog/site at www.jacksonpearce.com!
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